Dear Pastor John Lindell

 Dear Pastor John Lindell,

You sowed to the wind, which was Mark Driscoll.

Now you are reaping the whirlwind.

When Driscoll was rightfully held responsible for his sins in Seattle, you disbelieved all those elders and decided that the liar, Mark Driscoll, was telling the truth. So you helped him. You gave him a platform to speak. And now you are paying for it.

Mark Driscoll is a snake who lied about being a snake. So you picked him up. And he bit you.

I am sorry that you are bleeding. And I hope the death threats from all the little, worthless Driscoll fan boys stop soon.

But you brought it on yourself and your family and on your church and the church as a whole by supporting that lying, brawling, cowardly, controlling, abusive bully.

Signed, 

Mara Reid

P.S. For those of you who have come by here and have no idea what I'm talking about, I will leave two links to bring you up to speed.

Mark Driscoll has John Lindell Going Scorched Earth

John Lindell Urges Mark Driscoll to 'Repent' for 'Trying to Destroy' His Church

Don't know where this is going or how it will end. But I do know that this drama among Narcissistic Mega Church Pastors has nothing to do with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And since Driscoll is so fond of trumping up misogyny by accusing people of having the Jezebel spirit, I'm going to say something about him that is even more inflammatory. I'm going to say that Driscoll may be embodying the spirit of the Anti-Christ. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I am going too far by saying this. But is he representing Jesus Christ? I think not. Nor is he representing the spirit of Elijah as he tries to trump up hatred for things he personally loathes and labeling them Jezebel.

Oh.

And btw. Dear Grace Driscoll. I hope you and your children are doing okay while your patriarch is raging and coming unhinged. I hope the money he is making as a false prophet and lying grifter is enough to make up for whatever hell you are living in. See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya.

Misogynist Mark, World Class Attention Seeker

 So a thing happened this weekend.

If you are on Christian Twitter you already know.

For those who haven't gone down that time-consuming rabbit hole, here are a few links from other sources on the event.

From Baptist Global News (Egalitarian)

From Underdog Theology (Complementarian)

From The Wartburg Watch  (Not completely sure)

I shared these links with WenatcheeTheHatchet and he put in his two cents worth.

okay, fine, I'll briefly discuss a thing

Long and short, Mark Driscoll was kicked off a stage at the premier Tough Guy conference in Springfield, Missouri.

That's right, faux tough-guy Driscoll postured too big and too controversial for his friend, Pastor John Lindell of James River Church in Springfield. But it was Lindell who shut Mark down when Mark started dissing one of the circus acts presented, calling it something, something, spirit of Jezebel something.

For a video of Mark's shenanigans go to the Underdog Theology link above and start at about the 13 minute mark.

My blogging friend, Wenatchee, does not think misogyny is involved. which is I respectfully disagree with. While I often defer to Wenatchee on all things Driscoll because he actually went to and ministered at Mark's Mars Hill in Seattle, I can't agree on this one.

I tend to lean in the direction of Wendy Alsup (Complementarian) who also went to Driscoll's church and was part of the women's ministry there in Seattle back in the day. She had this to say about Mark's rant.

So Driscoll is at a testosterone infused giant grunt fest with a bunch of other guys. Somewhere that you think would be right up his alley. And he still manages to stir up controversy (because what better way to draw attention to yourself) and to blame women and their sexuality in the form of the Jezebel Spirit for some entertainment he didn't like.

Whether that entertainment was appropriate or not (probably not) I won't get into.

But rather, I want to point out that, for men like Driscoll to build power, he has to have an enemy. He has to vilify someone. And for him, the easy target is women who don't kowtow to him.

As far as the Jezebel Spirt is concerned, I've said this before, I'll say it again.

If you look as the Jezebel spirit as representing a controlling, manipulating, dominating person, Mark is the most guilty man I know of displaying the Jezebel spirit.

If, rather (or in addition to) you look at the Jezebel spirit as being about sexual immorality, again, Mark Driscoll is the most guilty man in the room, whatever room he is in. HE is the one who raped and pornified The Song of Solomon. HE is the one who was telling women that they needed to do strip teases and perhaps even pole dancing for their husbands. He is the one who instructed women that Jesus commanded them to service their husband's orally. He is the one who worked tirelessly to convince women that their primary job was to be personal porn stars for their husbands.

Yes, I have strong feelings about this. Besides anger, I have a great sorrow over how masterfully Mark manipulates and finds opportunity to promote himself and his books (yes he has a book on Elijah and Jezebel where he fancies himself as Elijah). I have friends who have been taken in by his charm and charisma. I am wary of what I will find them saying on Facebook. I am not looking forward to seeing how they have been deceived by his treachery.

But I am thankful for the voices that continue to point out who and what Driscoll is, which definitely isn't Elijah.

[Note #1: I don't get into this calling out spirits of Jezebel and Ahab business. I'm just tired of men with agendas doing it. The post above is just me lamenting Driscoll's terrible log/splinter problem. He has no basis, authority, or credibility to do so. But he's too determined to be front and center in the lime light to do anything else other than stir up controversy and betray friends at their own conferences in front of thousands of people. He can't help himself.

Note #2: I understand Wenatchee not wanting to go there concerning calling Mark a misogynist. He's never been on the receiving end of misogyny and so it's just not a priority. He also steers away from terms like narcissist for his own good reasons. I still respect and seek his insight because it is always well thought out.]

Josh Howerton: Disqualified as Pastor

 He's disqualified on so many levels.

Rather than rehash the basics I'll link a few blogs/podcast here to catch up anyone who has missed how Josh perpetuates the bad Evangelical teachings on Christian married sex. Then underneath that, I will explain why I feel Josh doesn't meet the basic requirements for being anything more than a baby Christian and has no business being a pastor.

Podcast: Why Evangelical Honeymoons Go so Badly

When Evangelical Misogyny Goes Viral

Josh Howerton's awful marriage advice (Podcast)

So, anyway, this has been going on for weeks.

Josh has been called out for giving bad marriage advice. And instead of taking correction and doing better, he's accusing people of misrepresenting him and not being able to take a joke.

Then, to add insult to injury, he goes online to instruct women on how to receive correction. You can find this bit of 'teaching' in the "Josh Howerton's awful marriage advice" podcast linked third above at the 26:40 mark in the video.

So, long and short. Josh absolutely cannot receive correction. However, he feels entitled to instruct women on how they need to receive instruction. He says that pastors must be bold in their message and not be afraid to correct women even if they get a backlash for it. He quotes Proverbs and says something about how the wise heart receives correction.

But this is for women. It's not for him.

He wants to be able to do to women something that he doesn't want done to him.

He is disqualified from the pastorate because he is a heavy weight champion at breaking The Golden Rule given by Jesus. You know that "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," part of the gospel that so many men throw away when it comes to relating to women. (Looking at you Driscoll and Emerson Eggerichs!)

He cannot obey the most basic, 101 level, Christian principle out there.

He wants women to respect him. But he cannot respect women or their voices enough to hear them and understand his sin against them.

And it's sick.

There is a sickness, a cancer in the body of Christ and Josh Howerton is part of that cancer.

He is disqualified as a pastor because he doesn't care about the hearts, minds, or bodies of Christian women.

How Dare Mark Driscoll

 How dare him for thinking that he is a pastor and teacher

How dare him for using women as props to justify his bad sermons.

How dare him for pornifying the Song of Solomon.

I have two links concerning Driscoll's defense of his "How Dare You" sermons.

One if from Underdog Theology where Dean addresses Mark's defense called "Mark Driscoll Gives 'Reason' He Screamed 'How Dare You!'" Dean doesn't start talking about Driscoll until about 15 minutes in.

The second link is from Wenatchee The Hatchet pointing out several other things, including that this sermon was no where near the level of controversial that Driscoll has displayed in the past:

Mark Driscoll revisits what he says was his most controversial moment in his public career.

Wenatchee makes some good points and brings up history about Mark that we should not forget including his infamous Scotland sermon and other pornifications of The Songs. And his time blogging as William Wallace the second.

How dare you, Mark Driscoll. While you claim to be a defender of women, in reality, you use them just as badly as any other unregenerate man. You are just better at manipulate and gaslighting than your average joe.

Edited 3/23/24 to add:

Mark Driscoll Tries to Justify "How Dare You!" Sermon

Another good one with lots of evidence like Wenatchee's post.

Edited 4/1/24 to add this link because of comments below:

Driscoll's Narcissism on full display

"Mark Driscoll is a brawler" at the 1:55 mark. And also mentions that he got physical with people, choking them, etc. in church during baptisms during Mars Hill days.

Do NOT Quote Driscoll on Social Media, Part 2

So, here is the outline the I made in order to explain to my work friend why Driscoll should not be shared on her Facebook. I started way back with my relationship with The Song of Solomon in order for her to see why I found Driscoll's take on The Songs to be so wrong, ungodly, and unholy.

*****

 I was born again in 1982 through the charismatic renewal that was happening at the time. It hit many of the mainline denominations including Catholics and Lutherans.

We sang two songs that came from The Song of Solomon (hitherto referred to as The Songs) which established for me a connection to the long tradition of reading The Songs as Allegorical in nature of our relationship with God. The two songs were "We Will Rejoice in You and Be Glad" and "His Banner Over Me Is Love."

My family moved onto another church that was pastored by a Narcissist (though we didn't know it at that time. that word was not even used yet.) I won't get into this particular thing even though it is relevant to the story. But it was there that I met and married my husband (1987) and we were given the book "The Act of Marriage" by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. This book used The Songs as a physical guided to married sex. So this established the use of the Songs in this manner in a way that greatly overshadowed my previous/limited exposure to the allegorical side of the book.

Fast forward to the mid 90s. There was an outpouring of the Holy Spirit happening at a missionary organization in (name removed to guard my anonymity). During one of the sessions a frail, skinny, redheaded, young woman was in deep worship. She was responding to the intense outpouring by saying several things including, "We enrapture your heart, oh God," several times. As I stood to the side listening to her, my internal dialogue went something like this: "That's very nice sounding. But my Bible doesn't say that about us/me." But later when I looked it up in The Songs, it was there. And my next conclusion was that it might be in The Songs but that doesn't mean it should absolutely be taken allegorically like the redhead was doing. It was then that I felt impressed by God to start meditating on The Songs. But I resisted thinking that The Songs were just too racy for this small town girl. However, God shut up the whole Bible to me, even the parts that could prompt the greatest worship within me. Reading the Bible became like reading a phone book. The only scripture that I read during that time of resistance, the only Bible verse that sparked anything thing inside of me was Psalms 2:12 Kiss the Son, that He may not be angry and you perish on the way...

So I relented and began reading and meditating on The Songs. And what a blessing it was. It was an antidote and emotional protection from the shallow and self-serving love that I was receiving from my husband. It was also a healing balm for a previous and devastating rejection from a family of origin member.

I spent a decade meditating on The Songs and decided to look on-line to see if anyone else was getting so much healing from this book in the mid 2000s. This is when I stumbled upon the outrage and controversy caused by a message preached by Mark Driscoll in Scotland. The sermon was something about "The Good Bits" from The Songs. He was preaching an overly sexualized and, I would say, even pornified version so the Book. But the part that enraged people and felt like pig's blood in the Holy of Holies to me was when he told the women in that congregation than Jesus commanded them to get on their knees and service their husbands orally. It was a hard slap in my face for someone to take a healing book and use it to invade the privacy of the bedroom and command women to do an act that some women might find distasteful. Pun intended.

I got involved in on-line discussions concerning this and how far out in left-field Driscoll had taken his teaching on sex in the Bible. In these conversations, Driscoll apologists would show up, be rude and obnoxious, challenge us, call us prudes, and said we were squeamish over what the Bible "clearly teaches". They would also point out how smart and well read Driscoll was and that we were just jealous of his amazing teaching and preaching. One fellow, who was more polite than the others, agreed that the Scotland sermon was over the top. But he insisted that Driscoll was a great teacher and handled the book more graciously in his "Peasant Princess" sermon series.  He linked to an episode of the series and challenged me to go see for myself.  I went ahead and watched it. And while it was more toned down than the "Shock Jock Preacher" antics he engaged in Scotland, I was still dismayed by what he did to the Book.

Without getting into all the gory details, I'll point out a few major issues with his handling of the book. First off, he mocks, scorns, and ridicules the long standing tradition of looking at the Songs as an allegory of our relationship with God. Then, he seeks and "finds" symbolism of explicit sex acts under every rock and tree in the book. He also takes this poetic book, written mostly from a female point of view and about what made her feel loved and safe and morphs it into a pornified male-centric monstrosity mostly concerned with what a husband is owed from his wife in the bedroom. People who have left Driscoll's church had many complaints. One particular complaint was that Driscoll was trying to force women into a tiny submissive box everywhere but the bedroom. And in the bedroom, he was trying to force women into their husband's personal porn stars and nymphomaniacs, complete with stripteases and pole dancing. 

[I stopped at this moment to let my friend know that I actually didn't care if people had stripteases and pole dancing in their bedrooms. That was their business. My concern was with Driscoll making up commands concerning sex acts and deciding certain symbolisms in The Songs simply had to be about stripteases when this was highly unlikely.)

I wondered how this man was declared one of the top 50 pastors in the United States. So I took a closer look. Turns out that, besides using the Bible as a sock puppet that always agrees with him, he also has issues with rage, bullying, and fostering a cult-like atmosphere at his church, Mars Hill, in Seattle. While I was watching him and researching about him, he was credibly accused of plagiarism and of buying a spot on the New York Times Best Sellers list.

When his elders in Seattle tried to hold Driscoll accountable for his bullying, raging, and misappropriating church funds, he fled Seattle and went to Phoenix and started a new church there where he is in charge and answers to no one. No elders to get in the way of doing whatever he wants. He continues to "pastor" and "teach' and is hustling hard to be a huge, Christian online Influencer.

As you can see, I am unhappy with Driscoll, his history, and what he continues to do. However, abusers are gonna abuse and grifters are gonna grift. I am way more upset with the men who have propped Driscoll up, past and present, and have given him a platform. Christians, especially Christian "leaders", are woefully lacking in wisdom and discernment. Many Christian leaders may also be as lacking in integrity as Driscoll. They just aren't as blatant about it as he is. But God's sheep are paying dearly for the neglect of true pastors and shepherds..
 

*****

So this is what I told my friend at work. And if you have been watching Driscoll as long as I have, you know that I haven't listed half of his blatant misogyny and sins.

Twitter is all abuzz with talk of Mike Bickle of IHOP fame, and what a flaming Narcissist he is. There are also portions of Twitter (yes, I know it is X now. It just looks better typed out as Twitter) taking on Doug Wilson. There are too many Narcissists in the pulpit. And it's not going to change unless the rank and file step up and scream "ENOUGH!" and take their tithes and offerings elsewhere.

Do NOT Quote Driscoll on Social Media part 1

 As mentioned in my 2/24/24 post, I was triggered by a friend who put a Mark Driscoll quote up on her Facebook. I knew that she did it not have a clue about Driscoll being an over-the-top abusive grifter. If she knew this, she would have never put up the quote. Because we are co-workers and interact at work, I let her know that when we had time, I would explain why Driscoll is not a good person. Since work has been insanely busy lately, I felt like I should create a streamlined and abbreviated timeline for her and I wrote it down so I wouldn't ramble, get sidetracked on the many, many stupid tangents that make up Driscoll's reprehensible history.

As I revisited my history with both The Song of Solomon and Driscoll's rape of the book, I realized two things. One thing was this: It was therapeutic for me to give this testimony out loud and in person to an understanding sister in Christ who then promptly deleted her Driscoll quote. When she looked at it again, she saw that a cousin of hers had commented under the quote saying that she would never follow this guy (Driscoll).

The second was a reminder to me that, while I still meditate semi-consistently on The Songs due to their healing properties, I haven't really dived in and immersed myself in the book for a long time. Deep and immersive meditation in The Songs, besides being healing, also brings me closer to the heart and nature of God, something I've been a bit distant from. So now, I'm spending more quality time with the book along with my regular (or irregular) scripture reading and am better for it.

And then, over the weekend, something else happened. I saw a tweet from someone.

And this made a whole lot of sense. They (Christian Leaders) made a podcast about it. But now they are done. They did their due diligence. What more do we want from them?

Well, I guess it was the grass roots movement that brought him down. So, I suppose it will take grassroots resistance to keep reminding people why Driscoll has disqualified himself as a pastor or any kind of church leader both in the past and in this present.

I did my grassroots job with my friend and so did my friend's cousin.

Where the hell are the supposed Christian leaders crying out against Driscoll. I guess they are too busy protecting their own kingdoms to give a flying flip about the Kingdom of God.

The "Taking God's Name in Vain" Diversion

 A few Sundays ago, I was at church. The pastor was away and ended up being away one Sunday longer than he planned. So the children's pastor was presenting with the help of her children's church, They were talking about the Ten Commandments at one point and was asking the adult congregation what each one meant. When they came to what "Taking God's Name in Vain" meant, I raised my hand. She called on me and I said it means, "Saying that God said something when God had not actually said it." She was taken aback and responded, "Oh, that's good."

Why was she taken aback and responded thus? Well, I believe that it is because it has been beaten into our heads from the pulpit that the actual meaning of "Don't take God's name in vain" means don't use God's name as an expletive or swear word. I think most preachers, teachers, and authors do this innocently enough because they don't know any better. But I am sure that some preachers, teachers, and authors teach this on purpose to distract from the real meaning of the command. They want to make sure that this is what people think when, "Thou shalt not take the Name of the LORD thy GOD in vain" comes up. They want people to think that this is referring to Joe Blow who hit his thumb with a hammer and is JCing and GDing all over his garage holding his injured digit. These unscrupulous preachers don't want people to realize that the greater sin of taking God's name in vain is saying that God agrees with them on some wonky doctrine, opinion, or idea that they claim is "biblical".

That Sunday mornings presentation along with the Bare Marriage's podcast on "The Problems With Lies Women Believe" put together with a quote a friend put on Facebook from Mark Driscoll has made me think again about this diversionary tactic concerning taking God's Name in vain.

First, let's look at the Bare Marriage podcast on Nancy DeMoss Wolgemoth's book concerning what Nancy refers to as lies women believe. Sheila and her guests come to the conclusion that it is Nancy who believes lies about God's attitude towards women and marriage. They did not go so far as to say that Nancy was using God's name in vain to convince women that God agrees with Nancy. But that's where my mind went. Does Nancy take God's name in vain when she wrongly uses scripture to warp God's love and nature against His daughters? When she uses the Bible to support her beliefs in a false narrative that the Bible does not actually support is she breaking that commandment? If she truly believes her lies to be true, is she then not held accountable for supporting her lies about God? I don't know. She may use these lies against herself just as much as against other women.  So this is between her and her Lord. He loves her. She is in His hands.

Now let's turn to what, in my view, is closer to taking God's name in vain. It is something Mark Driscoll said back in 2007.

The only reason I'm thinking of this now is because a friend and co-worker recently put a Mark Driscoll quote up on Facebook. It was very triggering for me to see this sold-out-for-Jesus, Celebrate Recovery Christian quote Driscoll. In order to help her understand why Driscoll is not a good person to quote, I laid out for her an abbreviated list of reasons in chronological order (that I may post later on this blog). Going through that list of things, I dealt again with the 2007 quote from Mark Driscoll's infamous sermon in Scotland where he claimed that Jesus commanded women to sexually service their husbands in a certain way. He was taking God's name in vain, issuing as command to women something that God never commanded. The bad part of that sermon is also mentioned in the Rise and Fall of Mars Hill episode entitled The Things We Do To Women.at the 34 minute mark.

People were appalled at what Mark said in that sermon. But it never came up that he was taking God's name in vain. It never came up that when Mark told those women in Scotland that Jesus commanded them to service their husbands that he was breaking one of the Ten Commandments. And I don't know why people are so squeamish about calling out this sin and naming it for what it is.

I guess I'm just tired of Christians getting all up in arms about people using God's Name in Vain when they don't actually realize that preachers do it all the time, passing off their own opinion or interpretation as the very oracles of God.

So why am I so ready to say that Driscoll uses God's name in vain over Nancy DeMoss. Well, it has to do with what each gets out of their lies. Nancy's lies hurt herself along with other women. Driscoll's lies are all about propping himself up, serving him, and putting women down. He also labels his opinion of Bible interpretation as a literal "Command" from Jesus. So, yes, I would not be surprised if the judgement against Driscoll would be stronger.

But long and short, they both hurt women and lie about Who God is and how He feels about His daughters. I would not want to be in either one of their shoes come Judgement Day.

Let Women Tell Their Stories part 4

As my memory goes backwards in time to the ways my husband expected me to do everything while he gets the benefit, I think of something that happened while I was a stay at home mom, homeschool mom, and a pastor's wife.

That's right. Early on in our relationship, my husband pastored. Another situation where I did most of the work concerning Sunday mornings. I might get into that later, but I have another story to tell about that time

Because we rented a building on Sunday Mornings, we held our Wednesday night Bible study at our house. Since the husband had another job besides pastoring, it was up to me to whip the house into shape for Bible Study that night while also homeschooling and caring for four children.

After time, my older sons started hanging around a group of friends and we opened out home to a Thursday night youth group where we showed a movie, gave them popcorn and soda then discussed the movie afterwards. There was a lot of cleaning up after that.

Then some time after that, the husband decide that he wanted to invite people over for supper on Friday Night.

That finally broke me. I explained to him that I was already maxed out and that I couldn't possibly host another thing. Homeschooling was already suffering because of all the extra burden I was carrying.

He fought me on this a little bit, but I wouldn't budge on this one.

Shortly after this, at a family gathering, his sister came to me and started lecturing me on the importance of being hospitable. She was gently trying to point out to me about how Biblical this was and that I needed to step up and be more hospitable.

This blindsided me, and I did not have a good response to her. Looking back on it a little later, I realized that the husband complained to her about how unreasonable I was about not letting him invite people over on Friday nights.

If I had not been blindsided I would have asked her if the husband had bothered to mention that I was already opening my home two nights a week. And I would have asked why those two nights did not count as being Biblically Hospitable. But, alas, I did not have my wits about me enough to make my case. I just shrugged her off. I knew I was already overextended. I didn't have it in me to lay things out for her. I was too exhausted..

And there were no teachings out there that I was exposed to about mental load and distribution of household labor. Just teachings on wives submit and respect and be oh so careful about ever telling him "no."

All I knew was that in order to support my husband's ministry and make him look good, I had to lay my life and sanity down and be his mother/servant/savior, making all things work for him.

Let Women Tell Their Stories part 3

As I relay my story of my ex forcing me into a mother/servant/savior mode over the years, I seem to be going backwards in time.

Early in our marriage, I was able to stay home and homeschool our children. I also did all the housework and household chores including mowing.

But then there came a point where I had to go back to work. And when I went to work, it became completely impossible to keep up with the continual mess making by Captain Chaos and his rambunctious offspring. So I had to pick and chose what was important to me as far as cleaning was concerned. There were some things that I just had to let go. There wasn't enough time in the day.

We went along this way for a few years. Then suddenly, one day, my husband decided to be mad at me about that state of the house and started yelling at me about it. One of the things he said was that I was a "terrible homemaker." 

And with this intended insult, I had a clearer understanding of his insanely unrealistic expectations.

Proverbs 26:2 Like a sparrow in its flitting, like a swallow in its flying. so a curse without cause does not rest.

It was impossible for me to feel insulted or shamed by his remark. What was clear was that he had no clue what a homemaker even was. Instead of defending myself, I explained to him that the day I went back to work fulltime was the day I stopped being a homemaker.

But he wasn't having it. I was a wife and mother. I lived in a house. Therefore that made me a homemaker. Thus he was demanding that I be his mother/servant/savior.

But neither was I having it. There was no way on God's green earth that I was going to let him get by with misusing that word without a fight. Because he was a volatile man, I carefully chose my battles. And this battle was very much chosen. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You either have a homemaker you support or a fellow breadwinner you partner with.

He showed that he couldn't partner with me. He could only be demanding, demeaning, and incapable of understanding basic time constraints. In other words, he can only understand life in terms of his needs and whether or not I was meeting them to his satisfaction.

One time, I was trying to go back to school to get a new degree in my field and this really put a cramp in his style. Even though he initially agreed to me going to school, when it took away time from me taking care of him he started to really complain. One of my responses was, "I need for you to not be so helpless." This just made him angrier and he yelled louder.

I learned a long time ago that I wasn't allowed to have needs. And because I was low-maintenance anyway, I could live that narrative for a little while. But it was not a healthy or sustainable narrative for either of us. I was never designed to be his mother/servant/savior.

Edited to add this link: Narcissists use WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE

She just posted this today which I thought was fitting. I didn't have the phrase to use then. I only saw it as helplessness.

A Late Link about "The Rise and Fall..."

Taking a short break from my "Let Women Tell Their Stories" Series. 

Somehow, back in 2021, amidst all the "Rise and Fall of Mars Hill" mishmash, I missed an article calling out a misunderstanding that Cosper has concerning victims of religious hierarchal abuse.

But in an effort to be kind to myself and my own healing, that was the year my divorce was finalized. In addition, I had a whole host of other things going on.

Anyway, there is an article in the Baptist News Global concerning Cosper's interview with Josh Harris and how he and Christianity Today "used its conversation with Harris to further push a false narrative about the hurting people conservative evangelicals have abused."

Sorry if you have seen this. But I haven't until just recently. And I want it be able to find this article quickly so I'm linking it here:

I lived in the culture of 'The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill' and there's one part of the story that's wrong.

Now, hopefully I can finish my series "Let Women Tell Their Stories" where I'm telling the story of how my ex used me and made me his mother/servant/savior.

Let Women Tell Their Stories part 2

 I thought about going in and editing last week's post to add this little snippet. But I didn't want to make that post any longer than it already was.

Also. Just writing that much out last week has opened a floodgate of more ways the ex expected me to hold things together to make him look good without him having to lift a finger. Since I can't afford therapy right now, perhaps I can offload some of the damage he did to me here and work through the different ways he used me.

The one I want to address today is not really about me, so much, but rather illustrates how the ex sought and found another woman to use to hold things together.

Anyway, if you read part 1 of this series, you would have found out about the girlfriend that the ex asked me to leave because of. Well, the following year the ex hosted Christmas for our grown children with the help of his girlfriend. My children were still mad at him and her and decided that they weren't going to even acknowledge her existence at the house I used to share with my ex.

But I did something right in raising my daughter. She saw the girlfriend hiding in the kitchen doing the dishes. And she saw that she was being used by the ex just like I was. So she went in and made conversation with her out of empathy. 

I had made peace a long time ago concerning whatever females my ex decided to carry on with. They didn't know what he was or what they were getting themselves into. Initially, he can present pretty well. And they probably believed his lies that I was an awful person. 

Needless to say, the ex's relationship with that girlfriend didn't last long. And he has had many other girlfriends since then, including a long distance relationship with a female from Russia.

He still truly believes that his "soulmate" is out there somewhere waiting for him.

I saw the following quote on the internet somewhere. It said:

"I'm not sure what a soulmate is. But I'm pretty sure that it isn't someone who sucks your soul right out of you."

And I have to agree. The ex says and truly believes he is searching for a soulmate. But what he's really looking for is a mother/workhorse/savior/porn star. That's what he thinks a soulmate is.

"Let Women Tell Their Stories" And Col. 1:17

 The title of the post is a quote from Ngina's blog post "Do Pastors Ask Women To Be Saviors and Mothers of Their Husbands?"

Originally she posted on Instagram: "Culture and Christianity often ask women to be moms and saviors of their husbands." She said this amidst a few other things.

A man responded and said "“Nowhere in Christianity are women taught to be saviors or mothers to their husband. Secondly, dysfunctional behaviors is a human problem, not a gender problem. Both men and women bring dysfunctional traits to a marriage.”"

The above linked post is in response to his comment on Instagram. She says a lot of good things in that post and I encourage you to read the entire thing. But her main point is that women are called upon by society and the church to continually go the extra mile without rest while giving the man a pass to be a big, self-centered baby. Not her words. Just my paraphrase.

So, anyway, I am now going to tell a very abbreviated version of my story. I'm leaving out a lot of details, so if something doesn't make sense, ask. I can elaborate.

I divorced the man-child back in February of 2021. We had both agreed that the marriage was unsustainable. But we had also agreed that, just like I was with him through the deaths of his parents, we would hold off on the divorce until I got my mother situated in a way where she didn't need as much care from me. He couldn't hold out. He asked me to leave because he had a girlfriend he wanted to go public with in the small town where we lived (he had been unfaithful with many different women for years,) They felt they couldn't go public as long as I was still hanging around. The girlfriend had a reputable business in town and didn't want to be considered a home wrecker. If I could have spoken to her, I would have assured her that the man-child aka "Captain Chaos" wrecked our home years ago.

Anyway, I digress. I finally was able to get my mother moved to an assisted living and that very week, I found an apartment and moved out. Suddenly, my life became a whole lot easier. The ex was a walking mess maker. When he cooked, he usually dirtied every dish in the house. If I cleared a flat surface like a counter or table top, he would clutter it up again instantaneously when he was home. If he was at work or sleeping, I could enjoy that clear space until he got home or woke up. He was always wanting to do things then left the clean up for me. Like camping. He dumped everything on the living room floor when we got back and never touched it again. He would want to do an Octoberfest on some land we own. But once the partying was done, he didn't lift a finger to clean up, letting trash blow around all winter if I didn't go do something about it.

If I ever complained about the messes he made he would accuse me of "raining on his parade." My only response was, "Well at least you get a parade because I sure don't." But I wish I had a response that I heard later from a friend who was in a similar situation. She said that in her previous marriage, she felt like the person who followed the parade with a pooper scooper to clean up all the trash and horse crap.

Anyway, recently it got back to me the my ex was claiming that our divorce was traumatic for him. I was incredulous. He was the one who told me to move out. He was the one who was chronically unfaithful. So how did this divorce traumatize him?

But then I realized, I was no longer there to clean up after him and the house he lives in is in terrible shape. I held everything together when I lived there. When I left, it fell apart. Completely

So here is how he demanded that I be his savior/servant/mother. This verse speaks of Jesus Christ.

Colossians 1:17 He [b]is before all things, and in Him all things [c]hold together.

The ex was the first part of the verse. He made sure he was the most important person in all things. But the second part of the verse was all me. I held everything together. When I left, it fell apart and he had to live with the consequences of his entitled, self-centered, inconsiderate mess making. And he found it to be traumatizing.

What the heck did he think living with him was like for me? He never thought twice about what he was doing to me. It was all about him. And the church agreed with him. They said over and over again that if I just submitted enough and respected him enough, that would save the marriage.

Because for a long time, that is all the church cared about. Saving marriages. If it was destroying someone in the marriage, that didn't matter a hill of beans. Glad this is starting to change. But it's taking way too long. And it's way too late for me.